CHINA IN FIVE SPICES

Memories are made of images, sounds, but also perfumes, tastes, and smells. Something ethereal that reaches our soul, penetrates our cells and stays in our mind forever. Like spices.

Nothing like food can create memories. It nourishes our body and at the same time our soul, it can help us to adapt to a new environment, can make us happy, or disgusted, or bored. Feelings and food are closely connected to each other.

In our mind, each different flavor is linked to a different mood.

When you move to another country, food is more likely the first local experience you’ll have.

In my case, when I moved to China I've met a very different kind of food: other ingredients, others seasonings are used and sometimes you really need to get used to them! After a while, I unexpectedly discovered that I loved them: they were directly related to my life in China and they carried all the memories of my first days here.

Especially spices, which give food all the various nuances and make it typical of a specific region. 

Five spices are able to make me travel in space and time, and remember things I thought were hidden in the bottom of my brain. 

CORIANDER is the king of spices in Asia! You can find it everywhere, and I even used it as the title for my novel about the adventures of three expat women in China! At the beginning I really couldn’t stand its smell: so pungent, so different! I found it almost disgusting. And now… I can’t live without it! I always use coriander when I cook Chinese style and its smell is so intimately connected to my life in China that I really love it.

PARSLEY like coriander is the king of Chinese cuisine, parsley is the king of the Italian one. You can put it literally everywhere: sprinkled on your spaghetti, lightly fried with garlic to season the fish, minced to create a fresh and creamy sauce. It looks very similar to coriander but its flavor is completely different. Here in China is not that easy to find it and, for this reason, when Grandma came here last year to visit us, she brought some fresh parsley picked from her garden. She had carefully wrapped it with kitchen paper and put it in the luggage trying not to squash it. When we took it out, it was still fresh and fragrant. We put it in a mug full of water and used it a bit at a time. It lasted a long time and its smell was so familiar, so comforting! That bunch of parsley made a long journey to come from her village to the big city in China and will remind me forever how deeply she loves us.

LEMON GRASS what is that? The first time I tried it, I was having lunch at a Thai restaurant, here in Suzhou. So fresh! I loved it. It reminds me how many different and wonderful places I still have to visit here in Asia. This continent has always fascinated me and my dream is to visit all its enchanting countries.

THYME my hometown is a small city laid between the mountains and the sea. The rugged and stony land behind its back is called “Carso” and it’s a very typical landscape of that region. When I was a child, my dad often took me to have a walk up there: I remember the strong wind in winter, the hot sun in summer. I remember he taught me not to go around the stones, where vipers could hide. In that harsh land, there were large zones without a single tree: only rocks, yellow grass, and red soil. Hidden in the dry, tall grass, there was a treasure: small plants of thyme. Their smell gave off at every step. 

Imagine my surprise when I found some fresh thyme here in Suzhou! I bought it and, once at home, I plunged my nose into the box. Sniffing all those old memories, I realized how many things about my life in Italy I have already forgotten. But my unconscious still knows them and will maybe bring them out in the most unexpected moment.

BASIL is another typical Mediterranean herb. Basil means summer, sun and hot weather. The season when, in the Italian countryside, people prepare the delicious tomato sauce made from just-harvested fruits. Those fresh tomatoes are still warm of sun, and sinking your teeth into their flavorful flesh is a special experience. Some leaves of basil are added in every jar of sauce, so when you open it, the following winter, it will still scent like summer.

And you? Which are the spices that make you travel with your fantasy?

WHY DO I LOVE EXPATS?

My expat adventure began almost 5 years ago when I moved from the lethargic Italian suburbs to the dynamic, noisy and chaotic Chinese city which became our second home. 

I had never lived abroad before, but I had the chance to know some expats and I was always intrigued by their stories, fascinated by their open-minded attitudes. I was an avid reader of expat stories and every time, I felt like my life in the slow, peaceful Italian countryside fit me snugly.

Finally, I became an expat myself and made many friends among people who lived abroad. I really do love expats (I even wrote a novel about them!). They face life in a different way. How exactly? Why are they different? Let me explain my point of view:

1) They make friends easily:

Leaving behind your family, your friends and the place where you were born can make you feel lonely. Expats know they have to make friends quickly in order to survive: they must find a tribe, a kind of family substitute to rely on. This is why they usually aren’t shy: they know how to break the ice, they become experts in the art of small talks, they tend to be less leery and more open.

2) They learn how to face problems courageously: 

When you live abroad, in a country where people speak another language, have different habits, sometimes also think in a different way, even the smallest thing can be scary. Daily life’s trivia as going to the hairdresser, talking with you kids’ teachers, opening a bank account may be scattered with obstacles and you need a jolt of courage to accomplish them. This is why expats are usually very brave people: they learn to do things even when they don’t feel at ease doing them. They know how to step out of their comfort zone - actually they live outside it almost every day!

3) They always know how to figure it out:

Moving in another country is not a simple matter: you have to complete procedures, get visas, contact relocation companies, enroll children in a new school, find a house that suits you. Most of the times you must do these things remotely, relying only on the internet - and your instinct! This is why expats usually can handle themselves in many different situations without getting lost along the way.

4) They always complain about something, but at the same time, they learn to respect other cultures:

They complain? Yes, they do! About food, about traffic, about certain attitude of locals, about weather, about… whatever! But at the same time, they learn to understand other cultures, they develop what experts call “cultural intelligence” and are able to relate with people from all over the world. 

5) They are direct and less formal: 

When it comes to writing an email, I’m always surprised how easy it is to communicate with expats. In Italy, for instance, when we write letters we really like to address people with their qualification and use polite set phrases to sound kind and respectful. But when you write in English… it’s all so simple! You start your letter with “Hi!” and that’s all!

6) They are creative:

Living abroad forces you to reinvent many aspects of your life. If you are the spouse, you probably need to create a new, portable career. This is why many expats devote themselves to their passions: they become painters, writers, bloggers. They create jewels, dresses, gadgets. If they come up with a new idea, they’ll probably be successful.

And you? Do you also think expats are peculiar people? Let me know in the comments!

IT'S SO HARD TO BE A TAITAI

And so she discovered she had become a Taitai, a married woman who's not working and tries to fill her days with any meaningful activities. Is this the destiny of accompanying spouses in China?

She woke up. Outside the window, the usual gray sky surrounded the city. 

“Will I ever be used to that?” she whispered.

She wandered into the empty house for a while and finally decided to have a coffee. She sat at the table, slowly sipping it. Another empty day to fill.

She had been living in China for one year already, and now she felt like she got used to her new life. Able to cope with the differences without struggling, she had learned not only how to survive, but how to make the most out of her expat condition. 

But, at the same time, she felt lost. Like many other women, when she decided to follow her husband who got a job offer in China, she left her job. At the beginning she fooled herself thinking that she could work in China: but it was too complicated. In her home country she was a secretary, and in China there were already plenty of them: they were local, they could speak Chinese, didn’t need a work permit, didn’t need to be overpaid. She gave up very soon. She tried to do something else.

She got in contact with many expat associations and knew many other ladies, all in her same condition. Some of them were appreciating the relaxed pace of their life: they were filling their day shopping, going to restaurants, taking care of their bodies in massage centers or nail salons.
She tried to fit in. But she couldn’t. Far from judging their lifestyle, she didn’t find these activities meaningful to her in the long term.

She got involved in charity. 

She also got involved in her son’s international school activities.

She tried to learn Mandarin (not much success in this!).

But she still didn’t find her new path, her new place. She realized she had become a Taitai, word that in Chinese means married woman, but for expats is also the condition of a wife who dropped her old life and is struggling to find a new role.

“You have to reinvent yourself” But how?

She sighed. Since her husband got a five-year assignment, there were still four years to go. She couldn't say she was depressed, but that subtle feeling of frustration was really bothering her! She needed to do something, to find a way.


Did you ever feel like this? Among Suzhou expat wives this is a familiar feeling. You arrive here thinking is just for a short time, feeling like you are on holiday, and you end up staying longer than you expected. You have the sensation that real life is somewhere else. You live a comfortable life, don’t have to rush, and can finally take care of yourself. Yet, you feel something is missing. So, what can you do? 

These are few tips:

1) Reinvent yourself is a common suggestion you can read on expat manuals. But what does it mean? It means that you have to go beyond your old skills and find something new. You have to look deep inside yourself and discover what your real passions and talents are. Maybe you were good at painting. Or, like me, you love writing. What about cooking? 
Commit yourself to your new project and start a fresh, marvelous journey. 

2) Are you good in handicraft? Why don’t try to make it a job? Some ladies create beautiful accessories inspired by Chinese culture, others produce home-made soaps. Let's see if your old passion for crochet can turn into a career!

3) Join some inspiring group of women who are in the search for interesting projects. Not only leisure associations but also groups of people that share your same interests. Internations can help you, and WeChat groups are an excellent source of like-minded people as well. Ask around, and you'll find something!

4) Learn something new and useful. You can get an HSK, the official exam to test your Mandarin language ability. Or study for an online degree. What about register for a graphic designer online course? Choose something that you can use once you move back in your country. 

But, please, also find the time to meet people and have fun with friends (and even some shopping wouldn’t hurt!).

Any other suggestion? I’d like to read it in the comments!

TCK AND REAL LIFE

 

This morning my daughter woke up telling me: “I had a dream... I dreamed that I was in Italy with my Chinese class and I told to my friend: this is my real home.”

I have looked at her, thoughtful. She is almost 6 years old, she is living in China since two years. But, for her, “real home” is still Italy.

What makes a place your place? Grandparents and relatives? The first memories of your life? The house which your parents have built with sweat and blood (okay, maybe not blood but the word makes the idea), or what?

And how about my son, who was 2 ½ years old when we come to China? His first friends, he has made here. He learned speaking here (and, actually, he speaks better English than Italian). Is he also going to consider Italy his “real home”?

This is what they call “Third Culture Kids”. I read about it, but to find myself facing the issue, is different!

In a book I read some very important words: children needs strong roots, in order to grow a large foliage that rises to the sky.

In expat life, everything is changing and inconstant. Friends and teachers are coming and going and sometimes I wonder how can my children bear this situation and be always happy and smiling... but they also feel that our “real” life is elsewhere. Maybe we won't go back for a long time (and, actually, our real life is now in China!), but in their heart our home is an idealized and mythological place where nothing changes: Grandma will always welcome you with her fragrant home-made cookies, Uncle and Auntie will take you in their vegetable patch, showing you seedlings and buds, friends will tell you about the small school they are attending.

One of the best friend of my daughter will go back soon to France for good. She asked me: when will we go back for good in Italy? And I felt like a stab in the hearth.

A foreigner could live decades in China, and still continue to be foreigner. You look as foreigner, no way to blend into the background! Everybody can guess you are not from here!

But, in any case, expat life changes you, and you start feeling like if you life is now double: two countries, two houses, different friends, atmosphere, foods. And you start wondering which world do you belong.

And this is true for children, also. My daughter uses to say “Our planet” instead of “our country”, and “this planet” instead of China... funny, isn't it? Incredible how deeply they can think, inside that little blond head!

They know they are Italian. And it's my duty to let them know about their country history and culture. And it's my duty also let them love the country which is giving to us hospitality.

EXPAT STORIES: COMING BACK FROM CHRISTMAS

Mia and Barbara are two Italian ladies, currently living in China. They both are living abroad since a couple of years.

For the Christmas holidays, like most of the foreigners, they have come back in Italy. Three or more weeks, to enjoy the warm atmosphere of their homeland.

How are these kind of Christmas holidays for expats? Very busy, of course: visiting friends and relatives, having lunches and dinners, eating a lot of delicious Italian dishes and drinking plenty of wine! And enjoying the warmth of Italian family!

But husband's work is calling: let's go back in China!

Mia is preparing luggages with very sad hearth: she enjoyed very much to stay with her family and every good-bye is more difficult than the last one. She would like to stay a little more... she couldn't meet all friends she wanted to, the time was too short.

When the plane lands in Shanghai, she stares sadly at the gray foggy. How she's missing her beautiful garden in Italy! She won't see her roses blooming, even this year. She's fighting to hide the tears, she doesn't want her husband to see her cry.

A driver is waiting for them outside the arrivals. Like every time, the misunderstandings start immediately. She's very tired about that, really tired to deal every single day with the attitude of the Chinese: so different from the Italians!

Barbara instead, is very happy to go back to China! In Italy she found the same, old family problems: the sister doesn't speak with her anymore and every Christmas dinner is a drama. And then: forced to stay home because every single relative wanted to visit them. It could be pleasant, but not when you have to cook from morning to evening for your never ending guests! And clean the house, and look after children, and make a lot of phone calls... is this holiday?

Besides, the general atmosphere in her place is not so nice: many in her town have lost the job and people are very angry, disappointed, unhappy. The economical crisis seems to be endless and the political situation is not better.

For Barbara, China means dynamism and activity! In China her children enjoy the international school (a really good opportunity to learn English in a proper way!) and she has a lot of time to spend to attend Mandarin lessons, to discover new places, to socialize. She has known a lot of new,interesting people!

Unlike Barbara, Mia feels very lonely: her best friends are in Italy and during her time abroad she couldn't forge deep relationships: expats are coming and going and friendship is necessarily superficial.

Happy new year, Mia and Barbara: your way to experience life abroad is totally different and your challenge in the new year won't be the same. As our, of course. Each of us lives expat life in a different way and I hope that 2014 will bring us strength, energy and enthusiasm to cope large and small difficulties!

CHALLENGE OF THE FIRST DAYS

Just arrived, I realized that my first priority was to making friends: my husband would begin to travel soon and I would be alone with children in a foreign city. I had to be prepared to any emergency. I had to feel safe and secure. If you have friends around you, this can help a lot to make you feel at ease.

Actually, I'm not so social! But I forced myself to be.

The first person who spoke to me was a friendly, young Korean lady. She saw me outside the compound shop (I think I looked really as “just arrived”!) and she simply said “Hello!”. I felt really shy and not confident in my English skills, but I tried not to make me pull down by my fears. And we are still friends now!

Another point in my favor was that I already contacted people before coming in China, and so when I arrived, I already had their telephone number!

The first Sunday I received a text message from an Italian blogger lady living in Suzhou “We are sitting in the playground near your building. Would you like to join us?”

When we rush to the playground we found a cheerful group of Italians chatting and laughing together. We were introduced and this was the beginning of the story... then it has been easy to take part to lunch and trips around Suzhou (and Suzhou shops, eheh!) and I quickly built my network!

School and playground have been the right places to find friendly moms, also! The wonderful opportunity to expand my group of friends even among foreigners.

If you don't have children (and you miss the possibility that schools and playgrounds can give) you can join a gym, a language course or an expat-group.

Usually (not always, but this is another story) expats are very open to meet new friends and is very easy start talking with someone. They are also very helpful with each other. Don't miss the chance!

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

Yes: if not now, when will I have time again to follow my passions? To spend my time writing stories, blogging, reading? Being an accompanying partner could be hard sometimes, especially if you have to leave your career. But fortunately, for me hasn't been like that.

Before moving to China, I already wanted to change. I wasn't happy with my job and some of my female-colleague behaved like a snake, not like a person! To be honest, sometimes I had the sensation to work into a reptilarium! However, as many of us, I needed to work and earn money, not only for contribute to the family budget but also for have my professional identity.

Till I was a child I had the dream of doing something creative. Most of the times art and fantasy don't make you earn your daily bread, so I've done my duty and I became e a bookkeeper. I will never enough thank my boss, who gave me the opportunity to learn the job and acquire professional, but I cannot say that was the job of my life! During my free time I was keeping on write and draw but, I think you know how it's working, this free time seemed to be less and less.

The proposal of the “Asian job” had come exactly when I finally decided to quit and search for another job, always as bookkeeper but part-time.

So everything was turning in the same direction, everything was going in the right way.

During my first year as an expat-wife, I had a lot of free time! I used it for going around, knowing people, shopping, discovering places, learning Chinese. It has been a very interesting year!

And now I have embarked in this new adventure: writing an English blog. And I also would like to write short novels and a book! What an ambitious project, eh? Maybe all this new things on which I'm working on are like a dead-end street that will lead me nowhere, something I do just for fun. In Italy we say: if they are roses, they will bloom. That's means that if something is promising, it will develop in the future. Otherwise, I'm doing exactly what I like now, and this is already a great gift!

If you are an accompanying spouse and you don't work, I suggest you to take advantage of your free time. Try to discover which are your passions and try to develop them. Who knows? Perhaps they will become your new business, or will give you satisfaction that you never imagined. Don't get depressed by the feeling you don't have anything “important” to do. In the daily life in our country we have a lot of tasks, in the expat life we often have a lot of time. It depends on us to waste it or make the best use.